Looking forwards. A Runners New Year

I find running hard.

Why do I need to keeping showing my mettle , demonstrating my ability to endure ?

Where’s the enjoyment ?

Some of us run to help us cope with life’s problems but what if they follow you ?

I wrote ‘Looking forward’ at the end of 2019.

It’s not about what races I had planned . Just as well as they all got cancelled.

It is a nod towards a different kind of goal.

Running to feel real When I run ,I discover how I am that day ,and what the possibilities are for that run. I experience many ‘I can’t do this ‘moments .I breathe through these. I acknowledge the moments as familiar, normal and routine. I can do this. I am doing this. I remind myself to be grateful for the opportunity , the space and ability to move and sense. I allow my run to come to me. I must not chase it. I respect the surface I am running on and the prevailing conditions on the day . The brightness, the temperature , the wind. I acknowledge that I do not run in a vacuum. I try to remember it’s not all about me. I know that whatever I record for this run will be what was available that day. The time I record will not be me. If it is a ‘not good enough’ run it will not mean that I am not good enough. I tend to look down when I run for fear of falling. I don’t run with a phone, I can’t be distracted. I remind myself that falling is neither inevitable nor necessarily catastrophic. I try to look up more. Keep my hip flexors long and my core engaged. Looking up also means that I see where I am going . Maybe I will take a new route today. I started to look down as a child . I never looked up. I did not want to make eye contact with anyone in case something came out. I ran when I was a child and now I am running again. Running to ground myself but also lift myself away from the same old ground, the boring ,old never changing narrative. To challenge its grip , its need to repeat. I run past overgrown weeds and bramble that chokes new vegetation. That choking sensation. The silencing. He never wanted anything chopped down or cleared . It all had to be left as it was. He had his reasons. Maybe we all fall somewhere on the same spectrum . Of guilt and helplessness . We did not know what would happen. No one can predict the future. The run does not allow for wallowing or too deep introspection . It nods to pain but moves through it. The run is an equaliser. The run can’t change me, but it knows me and allows for change. There s only room for one of me on the run. Only one person owning this breath. Others are left behind. No one expecting anything of me just now. Just for this run. Any mess, unfinished business, the piles of crap are all left behind. Someone follows. I take a different route, this is my run. I don’t want to hear from anyone else today. When I run, my qualifications , my medals , my achievements , my pain ,are not on display. They are not me. They are not who I am . I am a woman who runs. When I run , I am not out of control. I manage the comfortable discomfort . As I run ,past people out walking, I hear snippets of their conversations. I ve tried talking .Talking doesn’t always cut it. Talking isn’t always available. Not always safe. You talk, you walk . I will run. What you choose is of no concern of mine. I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped. That is so hard for me to say. I love you but I hope you can leave me now. Whilst I do this run. I am sorry. I need to find someone. The run exhausts me, softens my roughness and solves what is ready to be solved. Girl. Just leave the fight today . Desist from your boring lament. Cry if you want. It doesn’t matter. Is that you ? Are you there ? I am here. Don’t just run for fun or for it not to be serious. You know that s big lie. Have what you want , take it , own it . Win if you can. Run to explore all the possibilities . Be brave .Run your heart out. Leave it all on the run. Die running. Don’t wait too long before you go out today. Don’t wait until it rains or until the fog creeps in. Don’t leave it too late.