An Autumn Run

So tired and stiff now.

The feeling I will break if I run one more step .

I can’t give anymore.

Questioning my process. Questioning myself. Searching for this year’s motivation.

I start to move.

A shuffle becomes a jog until I start my watch and call it the start

Of my run.

I focus . I notice . The early Autumn. Dragon flies , dust , blackberries.

The sun is low. The dog walkers gone home for tea.

The last few bikes on their evening commute.

Two elite runners float by . And then the trail empties

For me.

Self doubt . What will pull me through today ? I am so slow.

My first mile clicks over . I start to work to keep breathing ,to stay calm.

I start to sweat. When I need it , will it come ? What do I need ?

Water ,food, sustenance of some kind, a rest. I have pangs . Of what ?

Of hunger or anxiety ? I can’t tell the difference , after all these years . Really ?

A temperature drop should make the run easier .It doesn’t.

I must be patient. There Is still work to be done.

I stay with my anxieties. What do I carry into this run? What weighs me down ?

I can’t hold onto everything . I can’t carry it all of the time.

I cant be responsible for anyone’s feelings but mine.

What if I am me and not anyone you would want me to be ?

Imagine a world where we had no “issues” no need to improve, curtail, perfect.

No guilt. Imagine that. To be ourselves. And know all will be well.

My run is coming. Momentum starts to pull me along.

I come to a place where I am running freely

Where I no longer hunger or thirst.

Not everything is real. It just seems that way.

We haunt ourselves. There are no ghosts.

To let go of what is past lest it forever shapes my future is hard.

The tension between love and duty . Emotion versus circumstance.

Is over now.

As I run ,a space opens up ,where everything seems possible.

I remind myself why I had to be strong.

I would so like to live again with you

But without the jarring , grating hurt. That left me wondering

If I was ever good enough for you

Or anything.

It’s hard to keep a grip on this pace , on my faith, my hope

And then I lose myself .

And I am in a space for just me

No room for anyone else.

No need to be angry about someone else’s problem.

Fuck off

Becomes

Cant we just we un fuck ourselves ?

In my space there is no regret, no hurt, no longing. No expectation.

I don’t need anyone to sanction my pain, my efforts, my process.

Everything I need is within me .I am what I seek.

I hold the key to my peace and power.

I run strongly now and breathe deeply , easily.

I take in all that I need and sense

Gratitude .

For all that I am and all that I can be.

Pushed beyond my limits I find

Something unrecognisable and yet familiar.

I can’t stay there too long. I’m not confident yet .

I will go there soon.

The skies have darkened.

A breeze on my face.

The heat has broken

Rain comes.

Natures cleanse.